Didn't know that goodbye would come so quick.

Yeah, i guess so. It's positive, title says it all. Pretty much sums up everything. I'll just try to have more control on my feelings, and.. Goodbye, friend. :)

Stress

Stressed about my results. With my current standard, how could i even stand a place in university?

Speechless

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to hope for anything.

Enough of the emotional shit.

Okay, time to get back to reality. No more fantasizing on relationship anymore, she's not going to like me and i'm bound to be forever alone.

I'm gonna

1) Jog every morning during my 3 weeks of holidays.
2) Eat subway everyday if possible.
3) Go to the gym and workout.
4) Swim and get tanned.
5) Go out to town often.
6) Get really drunk on one of those days to getaway from reality for a day.

Failure

I'm nerd, introvert, boor, childish, poor, ugly, weak, short, pathetic, crazy, worthless.


I guess i could already see that coming already, you'll never like me. 

No longer there.

The feel is no longer there, it's been numbed by all those workload, the mountain heap of workload. Yeah, living in Singapore is stress or should i just say, being an asian is really a tough thing. Sometimes i wondered if i'm living in Hell or not, it's really hell during the day. The weather is literally like hell, speaking of which i sidetracked myself lol. Oh well, hmm that title pretty much sums up everything. No longer there, yeah got it?

Fade

It's really fading. Real fast, real soon. 


I'm getting tired. Projects, homework, test, exams, plans, friends, families, relatives. 

I don't know if you will regret when i leave but.. one thing for sure is that you'll be losing someone who really really really likes you a lot. Someone who is willing to change your life, someone who will be committed to stay in your heart, someone whom you're proud to call yours. 

Time

I do not have time anymore, i'll just ask her one last time, asking her out one last time. That'll be final, i just don't want to wait there like an idiot. Both of our hearts are broken but it surely takes two efforts to mend it back into one. One beating heart, one relationship.

I'm not like the other guys, i won't play with your feelings. You can have my words for that. 

Verge

Yeah, i do read your blog and i pretended that i do not care about it. Actually i do, taking so many pictures with another guy, getting so intimate and close to that guy just makes me cringe inside. Really i had a very hard time trying to read your blog. I really hope that you'll give me an answer, please don't leave me hanging.

I'm already on the verge of giving up, please stop torturing me. 

Stay with me.

Please.

Trust

I push people away, just hoping that some would stay despite all of it. Yeah, i need real friends, i don't need fake friends! Sometimes i really hate myself, i'm pathetic, yeah.

Hope?

Well i guess i won't be meeting her again, its time i change my wallpaper, whatsapp all back to my normal One Piece pictures, i'm a huge fan of that anime! Haha okay, time to get back to my normal self, engineer self.

A burden off my chest.

Yeah, i confessed to her my feelings today, i've got that tad bit of feelings for her and i can't seems to sleep well if i don't say it out. I know it's a little rush for me to confess my feelings for you but i don't want history to repeat itself, there's a girl i had harbor 2 years of feelings for her. I liked her a lot and every time i tried to confess to her, i just can't do it. I kept on procrastinating and when i finally picked up the courage to tell her that i like her, she already had someone. The feelings i have for Charmaine is just a tad bit, i hope i could just forget it. I tried to push her off, i tried to be narcissistic and egoistic just to make her think that i am a jerk and make her stop texting me. But she didn't, i thought she have feelings for me, i guess i'm wrong. Actually i don't know if i have the feeling ( LOVE ) for her or not. When i saw guys texting her, i cringed inside. When she didn't reply me or she replied with just a word, i feel that i'm not important. I've just got that hot and cold impression from her, sometimes i thought she had interest in me, sometimes i don't. I think she's scared of me now, being so rash and confessing to her even though we met a few times. The first time we met, i found her very nice and easy-going but i tried not to cross the line. She's that type of girl who looks good without makeup & don't have that ahlian personality. I guess i'm not really good at controlling my emotions, i get attached to people too easily. I apologies if i shocked you or something i just.. can't help it. 

I really hope that she has some feelings for me, or just shove me off and don't text/meet me. With that much said, i think i had developed a relationship between this blog and myself. I can easily type all of my feelings here but i just can't type it out and send it to her. 

The smile.

The smile on my face hasn't been genuine since the start of my polytechnic life. There are always something suppressing me, restricting me from smiling genuinely. I've been under a lot of stress recently. The prize is just in front of me, i'm going to run for it. 


GOALS For Year 1 
3.5 GPA & Above
Bio-medical & Aerospace Specialisation
Make Charmaine my girlfriend
Score decent for O'Levels English
Make my family proud
Probably a Diploma Plus in Business or a Diploma Plus in Applied Psychology in Year 2 
6 Pacs 
A better person 

Loser

I'm feeling very lousy right now, i don't know what is wrong with me. I've got that feeling that i am bound to fail every single thing i do, whatever i do will not be recognised by people. No one cares.. fuck, i guess i'm just too emotional. Why am i such a wimpy little kid? Why am i so weak? How i wish i could scrap all those negative thoughts away and continue with my life. My life is just black & white, monotonous. What a drab life i'm leading. 

Last post for the day.

Oh, one last post before i work on my physics tutorial. I'm perfectly fine being an introvert, i do not need many friends. Go to school, listen to lecturers, do my tutorials, focus on my lab experiments, go home, study, do homework, sleep. That's the life of an Asian student. Sometimes, i wonder if i am living in hell. PATHETIC LIFE.

My future.. Alternatives..

I've been planning to score a good GPA in year one and hopefully do the same for year two so i could take a diploma plus - applied psychology in year two. Right now, I've made up my to retake my O'Levels English Examination, in the event that i failed my first year's modules or screw up my GPA, i can opt to change course with my current O'Levels points, did so badly for my O's. If i had knew how much pain it brings to me i would've studied so damn hard. I ruined my future with my own bare hands. I feel so pathetic right now. I wish i could sleep it away, but the negative thoughts kept on coming back, replaying like a broken tape in my mind. I don't want to escape from my problems... 

Beginning

Will i be a happier person if i did not choose to go into an engineering course? Will i really be happy if i chose another course instead? What would be my future be like if i made the choice to retake my O's.  These thoughts had been running through my mind every single day since the start of my Polytechnic life. What will my future be like? I am becoming more of a negative person day by day, when will i be able to pull this through and get back my normal self? I will be penning down all my thoughts & problems in this blog.